It’s amazing that THE Ohio State is a sports powerhouse considering all the students are chubby white kids whose only exercise are cornhole and dodging teargas canisters after football riots.  But I guess attending the largest THE University in the country has its perks such as watching anorexic DG girls suntan on the oval, wondering why Larry’s and all the other famous bars shut down, and getting first look at the inevitable annual football scandal.  With all the Abercrombie you can wear, you will assuredly look like a suburban underachiever for the rest of your life (or at least for the next ten years before your first coronary bypass)!

Little Northeastern Jew Girls typically come in one of two varieties.  The first are smart, independent women with creative and intellectual ambition.  The rest all go to Syracuse where they develop eating disorders, blow AEPi guys on the first date, and major in Communications (but the Newhouse program is like, so good).  Oh the good times and bad times!  You laughed at the jokes about the mascot being the Orangemen to match the fake tans on the students or at the desparation in your professors’ voices when they swear they spend weekends consulting in “the city.”  But there were bad times too, like when you were almost stabbed off Marshall Street or when you were nearly raped by someone in Carmelo Anthony’s entourage when he was in town for an alumni event.  Don’t worry, you’ll soon use daddy’s money to move to the Upper East Side to intern for some fashion company or something where you and your identical SDT girls can go out together every weekend without being harassed by the waspy AEPhi’s.  Those bitches!

It’s actually inspiring to watch a student graduate from Chicago.  The commitment to overcome severe social awkwardness by spending four years in the library, studying for combinatorics exams is mindblowing.  But seriously, you did well for yourself.  Sadly, you weren’t Indian (or nerdy enough) so you couldn’t get a bid from Alpha Delt and Jimmy’s didn’t want you back since you didn’t have the intellectual dexterity to go mano-a-mano with one of your Nobel-prize winning professors and rightfully lost the right to hit on the only mildly attractive girl there.  So, you ended up being one of those quirky stilt-walking people who puts heroin in his shoes and gives all the squirrels nicknames like “Derrida Scrotum.”  You’re good at quantitative analysis and giving those around you a sense of unease.  Ahh Chicago, where fun comes to die.

Oh US News and World Report!  You scoundrel!  Without your college rankings, absolutely no one would have ever heard of Rice University!  It’s in Texas?  Maybe?  They have a baseball team of sorts?  Who  knows?  No one gives a shit.  Have fun scrambling in Southern obscurity before eventually settling in some bitch engineering  job for some Houston energy conglomerate when your sole joy in life is the off-chance that ESPN3 carries a college baseball game.

You go to Duke?!  Damn, where to even begin with you?  Umm okay, let’s just ignore the education derived entirely from textbooks written by those who, most assuredly, do not have anything to do with the state of North Carolina, the lack of any real alumni network, and the supporting of a basketball program whose success is less appealing to the general public than unprotected sex with Magic Johnson.  Now that we have those thoughts blocked, let’s focus on how appealing it is to be female at Duke.  You can either be “allegedly” assaulted by the lacrosse team – or fuck them consensually and then publish a book about it.  Oh, not into athletes?  Though Karen Owen would not approve, I’m sure the East Asia club would love to run train on you.

Brandeis:  Where the collegiate gene pool will always produce neurotic brown-haired children who are shorter than 5’7”, with quirky senses of humor, and who will invariably be hoisted upon unmerited pedestals by their parents.  Considering how thrifty Jews are, it therefore only makes sense that Brandeis students are:

A)  Not intelligent enough to go to a top-tier school where the academic reputation is somewhat commensurate with the tuition

B)  Just some rich fucks who wanted an extra four years of overnight camp with the same types of people they grew up with in Bethesda, MD

Point to your open palm!  Show me where in the state you’re from!  Suburban Detroit?  OMG, me too!  Your dad is unemployed?  OMG, ME TOO!!!  You see, attending the best public school in Michigan is like being the most attractive person with AIDS.  And though the students pretend they’re in California or New York, they eventually sober and realize that body of water is a lake, and not an ocean.  Yup, still stuck in primitive middle-America.  This sobering now occurs on Saturdays – the once holy day that used to be reserved for drunken football watching.  Man, that sucks… without football, how can you possibly talk shit to the Northwestern kids after they take your jobs in Chicago?

You are either:

A)     A complete high school fuckup from somewhere in New York state.  Obviously not from New York City because Manhattan parents would rather send their children to community college than some upstate public school (Cornell only partially excluded).  Spend 4+ years impersonating Jersey Shore characters in Cortland, New Paltz, or some other lost industrial city before looking for blue-collar jobs unrelated to your major.

B)      A smart child of immigrants.  Though your grades qualified you to go to a better college, your parents couldn’t afford to sell the dry cleaning business to pay the tuition.  But don’t count you out!  This insecurity will lead you to the up-through-the-ranks path at some fringe financial firm.  After working head-down in credit swaps for fifteen years you’ll have accumulated enough Armani Exchange shirts and Maxim-approved suits to be a fully licensed member of the Nouveau Riche (dinero nuevo).  The American dream is alive and well!

At least no one will assume you’re gay at Caltech.  To willingly spend four years mired in logarithms without human interaction… well, people will just assume that you don’t put your penis in anything (human at least). You really can’t be gay if you only jack off to Gizmodo and robot blogs.

Columbia:  Don’t kid yourself, there are only three Ivies.  You can tell yourself you’re enamored by its Ginsbergian counterculture heritage, the underground tunnels, the core curriculum… but any self respecting WASP knows that there’s only one eating club and far too many Jews.  I suppose you could have gone to Stanford if you really wanted to attend the #4 school – but daddy doesn’t own real estate in Palo Alto (and too many Asians freak you out).  Of course, these negative sentiments will be disguised at your future investment bank where you will proudly serve as the cultured member of your analyst team (obviously smarter than the Gallatin hipsters).  Perhaps burnt out from Match.com dinners on Lexington, you foolishly trick yourself into believing that the Blackstone associate you’ve been dating will marry you.  I mean, if frumpy tri-Delt girls from Penn can blow their way toward being yoga-wives – why can’t you?